Expecting Good. Expecting God.
Living Broken Again BLOG By Susan Vaughan Shumake
1/4/2023
*****
Expecting Good. Expecting God.
Have you ever had a year that was so bad, so badly Broken, that you stopped listening? So Broken that you stopped asking? So Broken that you could barely make it to the end? You just prayed to make it through the day, each day?
And then you could barely speak to the LORD about anything good? About a promise for the next year? For fear of what you would hear? All Sovereign. All Powerful. All Knowing. It’s hard to hope for a future, while still living in the sovereign Brokenness of your today.
I stopped believing in Words, in Hope, in Promises, because this past year has been so bad, so badly Broken? I am still in constant pain from a broken femur, that is still recovering, from January15, with an emergency surgery January 16, with the placement of a very long rod and pin, in my right leg, last year, 2022. It’s hard to hope, when I am still in the middle of the same crisis, one year later. I am still Living Broken. I still haven’t recovered mobility, strength, life, or Beauty.
Hard to speak. Hard to listen. Hard to ask. Harder to hear. As I come to the year anniversary of my accident, of the worst year of my life. After a year of crushing, it’s hard to expect anything better, anything Beautiful. Believe me, I fear the LORD. I have no plans. I have no expectations. I have no joy.
People perish for lack of Vision. I’d rather not know. I’d rather not hope. I’m already too vulnerable. I’m already too, Physically, Emotionally, and Spiritually fragile. I’m already too hurt, by the Brokenness of this place, of this trauma, of this pain, these past 12 months, of which I have not come out of yet. I can barely breathe. I can barely Believe.
I’m too Broken. I don’t want to bear any expectations of Goodness, of Hope, of Healing, of Promise, so I won’t get disappointed, again, still. It’s hard to be disappointed, if I don’t hope. If I don’t expect. If I don’t ask, I won’t hear. If I don’t hear, I won’t Believe. If I don’t Believe, I won’t Expect.
Apparently, I expected too much last year. I Believed for Miracles. All I got was Broken Me.
Isaiah 42:2-4
New International Version
2 He will not shout or cry out,
or raise his voice in the streets.
3 A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
4 he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”
