Hating this Hurdle in my Heart
Living Broken Again BLOG By Susan Vaughan Shumake
3/13/2022
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Job 23:10-11 NKJV
But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tested me,
I shall come forth as gold.
My foot has held fast, to His steps;
I have kept his way and not turned aside.
I used to be good at hurdles. They were the one thing in Track and Field, I did best. It was never a test. I ran and leapt this long and lonely leg, this right leg, right over them. Breezing above them without a thought, without a care, barely even knowing they were there. I flew over them like air.
Breaking this leg at Sixty, is a hurdle I cannot bear.
With back-to-back, Years of Tears, Seasons of Suffering, of Battling Brokenness just behind me, and being Healed with a Miracle Testimony to Tell, there’s no breezing above this. There’s no getting around this. There’s no blowing over this. This hurdle hurt my Heart. This Break Broke me.
“But He knows the way that I take;”
Every day I awake, to the pain and the ache, of my own Brokenness, my Heart breaks again. This one is a Test. This one is a Test I am failing. This one is a hurdle I can’t get over. I’m too Broken.
My heart hurts. My heart hates. My heart hurts because I am hating this hurdle in my Heart. I am hating being back in a place of Living Broken Again. I am hating living in this place of Brokenness, because I have been here before. Year after year. Time after time. Over and over again, of Living Broken Again.
I have lived the Brokenness of Abuse and I am Healed.
I have lived the Brokenness of Breast Cancer and I am Healed.
I have lived the Brokenness of a Traumatic Brain Injury and I am Healed.
I have lived the Brokenness of a Hereditary Disease and I am Healed.
Here I am Lord, Living Broken Again, living in Bondage to it. When I am already Free! My heart hurts. Tears flowing down my face, because I am living Broken in this place. Too much trauma for this Daughter to take.
There is nothing I can do to change it, nothing to rearrange it. There is nothing I can do to BE beyond it, nothing I can do, but LIVE THROUGH, the pain of Living Broken Again. Alone.
And WAIT.
I must wait for Him. I must wait for Time. I must wait for Healing. I must wait for days, weeks, and seasons of Physical Therapy. I must wait for Bones to Heal. I must wait for God to Heal. I must wait for Brokenness to Heal and for Beauty to be Recovered, again. I must wait for Life, again. I must wait Years, again. I must wait for a Miracle of Healing, again.
My heart hurts. My heart hates. My heart hurts because I am hating this hurdle in my heart.
“But He knows the way that I take;”
