11. THE UNBELIEVING BELIEVER – THE BROKENNESS: Our Emotional, Physical & Spiritual CONDITION

THE UNBELIEVING BELIEVER Episode 11

THE BROKENNESS: Our Emotional, Physical & Spiritual CONDITION

Contemplation of My Lot

I am not of noble birth, nor am I of any esteeming, so where did the idea of being deserving of anything other than the lot I have come to mind? Being so romantically inclined, I believe I thought it all up myself, seeing as that is what my heart desired, I created a dream of what life would become for me.

A heart of poetry, of romance, would create nothing less than the perfect love. And someone as fragile as I could never have imagined being shattered so by the harshness of humanity. However, life is filled with tragedy and what would a true love story be without one?

My tragedy, however, begins at the beginning. The Wedding- a dreamers dream, the climax in the first chapter, only to be followed by blow after blow of despair. The frailty of my poetic heart was unable to withstand the hard truth of my reality. My joy fell silent. I died inside, with every coarse word like a sword dashing against my soul, ripping away my hope, my love, my dreams. I built a wall of disappointments so high I cannot see over.

All I had prayed for tragically lost before our love could even begin. And myself now locked in a story I never intended on being in. I am trapped alone, with my God as my only comfort, inside a covenant that can never be broken.

Seeing however, that God created me to be as fragile and as poetic as I am so inclined to be, it puzzles me that He brought me to this place, knowing full well that the weight of it would crush my spirit. Nevertheless, I live the life that was given me, yet I am less than I used to be. I continue on, as does each day, and I feel myself passionately awaken inside only as I see another in love. Yet the sorrow of my soul overwhelms me as I long for that same experience. So I look away, and I lock away my tears and continue on my path.

I had so much passion that is dead now… lost with my dreams. My solace, my refuge, is in the Lord. He alone can save me. He alone can restore this Broken vessel that He made to pour out His love. He is with me to feel my pain, to sense my loss. He has felt the pain of death for me. He has felt the sorrow of death in me.

I cannot believe, however, that this torment of despair is God’s ultimate purpose for me. But then again every life has its’ pain to cause us to come to Him. As we are then baptized into His sufferings we too can be comforted by His love. We can then reach out past our pain, through our pain, to comfort others in their pain.

With this in mind I pray, less fervently for lack of energy, less faithfully for lack of hope, despairingly because it’s been so long.

THE UNBELIEVING BELIEVER  Episode 11

THE BROKENNESS - Our Emotional, Physical & Spiritual CONDITION

The Unbelieving Believer. What is an Unbelieving Believer? How is there such a Saint? Why do we know, and not see? Why do we see, and not know? How do we SEE the sincerity of the HEART of a Saint?
How can we KNOW the heartfelt Belief of a Believer? We cannot Know. We cannot See.

God Knows. God Sees. God Loves anyway.

Proverbs 18:14 King James Version (KJV)
14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

We have lived the Broken. We have believed the Brokenness. We have Become the Brokenness we Believe. We have borne the Burden of the Broken before us. We have borne the Burden of the Broken among us. We have borne the Burden of the Broken around us. We are The Broken.

As a Broken Body of Believers, we have seen and have lost loved ones, suffer and die, in Sickness and Disease. We have seen our Churches separate, isolate, and dissipate, because of multiple Seasons of Suffering, serving the Brokenness of the Pandemic, and now living in its’ aftermath. We are living in constant Crisis, in constant Chaos, in constant Crushing.

We have seen our World change before our eyes, from what it was, to what it is today. We have on-line Church services and Zoomathon businesses. We have All Aloners, Stay at Homers, and Midnight Groaners. We have Lonesome Lovers, Worried Mothers, and Gambling Gamers. We have Hopeless Haters, Destructive Dangers, and Arising Abusers.

We have seen horrible happenings in our Homes. We have witnessed Death and Destruction on our streets. Hospitals overcrowded and overrun with The Rampant, and Raging Rona, and the Rules, and regulations regarding it. All keeping Loved-Ones away from family, at their most frustrating, fragile, and failing moment. Now, suffering the aftermath of illegal issues of the Laws Broken, and of Victims Voices.

We have seen Flags burning and Riots raging on University campuses, with the Flaming Violence of Anti-Semetism rampant across our Lands. We have seen Rules and Borders Broken, Drug overdosing, Violence winning, Death and flagrant Killing. We have seen Lawlessness arising, our Constitution crashing, and Assassination attempts with no Defense.

We have seen Out-of-Control, flaming, Furious Fires bringing destruction across the Globe. We have seen Heat of epic proportions and Winter’s frigid, freezing Cold. We have seen Tornadoes tearing up towns, and Hurricanes on our Harbors. We have seen skyrocketing Prices arise, causing shortages of our Supplies.

We have been beaten down by the News. We have been torn down, attacked, and Accused. We have been beaten down by the very words, or lack thereof, of Parishioners, of Pastors, of Preachers, of Parents, and of Pew sitters. We have seen Major Preachers steeped in Sin, steppiing down from the Pulpit again, and again. We have lost Hope, and we have lost Heart. We have lost Faith. Surrounded by Unbelieving Believers, we have lost our Way.

In the middle of our Pain, a pain that happens over, and over again, we turn away from God. We stop Believing. And when we stop Believing, we Stop. We stop, whatever it was we had hope for. We stop Seeking. We stop Asking. We stop Trying. We stop Doing. We stop Praying. We stop Believing, even in ourselves. Especially, in ourselves.

We stop Believing in a God, we cannot See, or Feel, or Hear, and we begin Believing the Brokenness we are experiencing, that is VERY real, that we can SEE, FEEL, and HEAR. We turn our heart in Unbelief. We turn our heart to Unbelief, becoming Unbelieving Believers. Where is God?

Psalm 34:18. King James Version (KJV)
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

The Life we knew we no longer know. The Hope we had, we no longer hold. We are beaten down by the Bitterness and the Brokenness of the World, as we live in it every day, and we are weary of well-doing. We are trapped in the trauma of this Trial. And are unable to Escape, unable to find relief, unable to find refuge, unable to rescue ourselves. Where is God?

When the weight of the Abuse is too heavy, or the wait of our rescue is too long, we stop. When the Burden of our greatest grief is unabated, unrelieved, and the Trauma of longest trial, is unended, we lose Hope. We feel forsaken, and we are Heart Sick. Hope deferred makes the Heart sick. We live Sorrow. We live Grief. We live Hopelessness. We live Unbelief.

Isaiah 54:5-6  New King James Version

5 For your Maker is your husband, 
The Lord of hosts is His name; 
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; 
He is called the God of the whole earth.
6 For the Lord has called you 
Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, 
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,” 
Says your God.

        We may have forgotten God, but God has not forgotten us. God LOVED me enough to rescue me out of my Abusive marriage. And God LOVED me enough to rescue me from the woundedness and the Brokenness it brought. God LOVED me enough to rescue me from the Bondage of my own Bitterness, and heal me of the Bad Fruit of cancer, manifesting Physically in my body. He is THE HEALER OF MY HEART.

	God KNOWS us, God SEES us, and God LOVES us. God wants to be Reconciled to every Beautiful, one of us. We are forgetting the Goodness of God. God WANTS TO HEAL. This is the HEALING HEART OF HEAVEN. God can Heal your woundedness, and Brokenness, too. He can Heal Your Broken Heart. Forgive me for Forgetting, Father. Forgive me for Forgetting.



Forgive Me For Forgetting 


Forgive me for forgetting
The Beauty that You are

Forgive me for forgetting
The King who holds the stars

Forgive me for forgetting 
The Masterpiece You made

Forgive me for forgetting 
The Foundation that You laid

Forgive me for forgetting
The Miracles You wrought

Forgive me for forgetting
The Sacrifice You brought

Forgive me for forgettiing
The Blessings of Your hand

Forgive me for forgetting
The Greater Master plan

Forgive me for forgetting
The Salvation of the King

Forgive me for forgetting
The Freedoms that You bring

Forgive me for forgetting
The Love Eternally

Forgive me for forgetting
The Life You gave for me