When Darkness Fell
Living Broken Again BLOG By Susan Vaughan Shumake
12/28/2022
When Darkness Fell
When darkness fell, I fell too. I fell into the darkness, into discouragement, into despair. I lost sight of the light. I lost sight of my hope. I lost sight of the fact of the miracle that the cancer was gone, because I was in a constant state of recovery, and I was not recovering.
When my reconstructive surgery failed, my heart sunk to a dark place of questioning everything about my own life and ministry. As I had to start again, my faith was challenged.
Why this path Lord? Why this failure in my path to recovery? I’m trying to minister to broken lives and I am still living broken! How can I pray for others to be healed when I am not yet healed? How can I reach the hurting, when I am still living in pain?
This pain began with losing my newly reconstructed breast. But then it was about the delay of life, as I had hoped. It was about more surgeries, and more waiting, when I was just wanted to be finished! The lost hope of a quick recovery. The lost hope of recovered Beauty.
It was about changing my expectations, and my plans, and waiting, again. Waiting inside this season of trying to rebuild what was physically lost. and not yet being healed. I am stuck in an uncomfortable, unlovely holding place. I was living in a place of disappointment. I was living in a place of grief.
I lost my ability to Praise. I lost my ability to Pray. How could I even pray for others to be healed, when I still haven’t healed? How could I encourage others, when I was the one needing encouragement? I was still coming out of the shock of my surgery and trying to finally physically, and emotionally adjust.
The fight we fight against cancer doesn’t end when our treatment ends. When we can finally breathe again, and begin to recover what we have lost, we continue in that Survivor mode, as we continue on a path to recovery. For some this is only a season. For others it is a lifetime.
For me, it is a lifetime.
When darkness fell, I fell too. I fell into darkness, into discouragement, into despair. I lost sight of the light. I lost sight of my hope. I lost sight of the fact of the miracle, a disease was gone, because I was in a constant state of recovery, and I am not recovering.
When my leg was broken, my heart sunk to a dark place of questioning everything about my own life and ministry. As I had to start again, my faith was challenged.
Why this path Lord? Why this failure in my path to recovery? I’m trying to minister to broken lives and I am still living broken! How can I pray for others to be healed when I am not yet healed? How can I reach the hurting, when I am still living in pain?
This pain began with breaking the femur in my right leg and a surgical implant of a rod and pin. But then it was about the delay of life, as I had hoped. It was about more surgeries, and more waiting, when I was just wanted to be finished! The lost hope of a quick recovery. The lost hope of recovered Beauty.
It was about changing my expectations, and my plans, and waiting, again. Waiting inside this season of trying to rebuild what was physically lost. and not yet being healed. I am stuck in an uncomfortable, unlovely holding place. I was living in a place of disappointment. I was living in a place of grief.
I lost my ability to Praise. I lost my ability to Pray. How could I even pray for others to be healed, when I still haven’t healed? How could I encourage others, when I was the one needing encouragement? I was still coming out of the shock of my surgery and trying to finally physically, and emotionally adjust.
The fight we fight against Brokenness doesn’t end when our treatment ends. When we can finally breathe again, and begin to recover what we have lost, we continue in that Survivor mode, as we continue on a path to recovery. For some this is only a season. For others it is a lifetime.
For me, it is a lifetime.
